#EggsoneratedAgain #CholesterolPlotTwist #YolkHero #BreakfastRedemption #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
**Surprising New Study Finds Eggs Not the Evil Cholesterol Bomb, Society Owes Deviled Eggs an Apology**
In a shocking blow to everything your cardiologist’s pamphlets have ever told you, a new study published by the International Journal of Food Redemption reveals that eggs—long accused of single-handedly clogging arteries and destroying hopes of a beach body—may actually help reduce “bad” LDL cholesterol when eaten as part of a high cholesterol, low saturated fat diet. Nutritionists everywhere are now scrambling to flip their advice sunny side up.
The research, funded by the mysterious Association for the Advancement of Omelets, followed volunteers who consumed two eggs daily while desperately trying not to mix them with bacon, sausage, or anything that brings joy. Astonishingly, participants not only reported a boost in HDL (“good cholesterol”), but also a reduction in LDL (“bad cholesterol”), and—according to several—an improvement in their egg puns repertoire.
“This is egg-cellent news,” crowed Dr. Yolana Benedict of Hard-Boiled University. “For decades, eggs have been unfairly beaten, poached, and fried on the altar of cholesterol paranoia. Turns out, they were just eggscapegoats for a larger, greasier problem. We owe the humble egg our heartfelt apologies, and possibly a dedicated holiday brunch.”
The study’s findings have led to celebrations in diners and breakfast nooks across America. “I knew it!” proclaimed Edna Hollister, 87, who attributes her longevity to a steady diet of egg salad and ignoring her daughter-in-law’s advice.
Meanwhile, bacon—eggs’ long-time breakfast partner and frequent accomplice—reported feeling “deeply betrayed” and is now actively seeking new friends. Avocados and oatmeal, when reached for comment, said they “saw this coming.”
Health experts warn the study shouldn’t be used as carte blanche for double-fried Egg McMuffins, but finally, there’s a crack in the case—and it turns out eggs are not the cholesterol villains they were cracked up to be.
By: TheJestPress.com
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