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By: TheJestPress.com
Former Hamas hostage Miriam Cohen says her recent freedom from captivity is bittersweet—mostly because she keeps getting emails from Discount Travel reminding her she “left something behind in her cart.” Sources confirm it’s actually 47 fellow captives, a half-eaten protein bar, and her dignity.
“Look, the food was terrible, the Wi-Fi password was ‘Infidel123,’ and the cable package didn’t even include HBO,” Miriam told The Jest Press, visibly shuddering. “But the worst part? Knowing some folks are still stuck there. That, and missing the season finale of Succession.”
Unlike five out of five hostage survivors surveyed, Miriam admits nightmares aren’t just about reliving her ordeal, but also the crippling anxiety that comes from imagined group chat notifications: “You left us on read since October!” Her therapist recommended Survivor as a coping tool, but HBO Max still isn’t available in Gaza tunnels.
Red Cross sympathizers agree: true closure won’t arrive until every last hostage, leftover sock puppet, or unopened Halloween snack size candy is back home. “It’s an all-or-nothing situation,” said U.N. mediator Lars Svennson. “We can’t just release people a few at a time, like discounted iPhones on Black Friday.”
Family support has been helpful. “When Mom told us, ‘No one eats until all siblings are present,’ we thought she was joking,” said Cohen’s younger brother. “Now I get it.”
Meanwhile, Miriam is working on a self-help memoir tentatively titled, *Escape Rooms Are Easier: My Year With Hamas*. Until all are home, the trauma lives on—especially each time Amazon reminds her, “People who bought Hostage Survival Gear also shopped for Panic Buttons.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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