#BreakingNews #ZuckScandal #FaceHookedUp #MetaMesses #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
**Journals Confirm Zuckerberg is Cheating on His Wife — With a Human**
In a scandal that has rocked both Silicon Valley and the Silicone District, newly leaked journals have confirmed that Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook overlord and part-time humanoid, is allegedly cheating on his wife. Even more shocking: sources confirm his mistress is 100% carbon-based and not a Quest 3 headset with lipstick.
Close insiders say the billionaire’s secret rendezvous were revealed when an AI algorithm trained specifically to recognize “suspiciously human emotions” detected a 0.3% flicker of joy behind Mark’s otherwise expressionless gaze during the last Meta earnings call. Upon cross-referencing his Apple Health data, journalists realized Zuckerberg’s heart rate peaked only when exchanging cryptic WhatsApp stickers with an individual codenamed “Not-Priscilla.”
Reports claim Zuckerberg’s personal journal, written in binary and DALL-E doodles, contains heartfelt confessions such as, “01000001, she understands my love for user data,” and, “Her cookies are even sweeter than the ones I track.” Handwriting experts add that his signature at the bottom looked “almost like a real person’s,” fueling mounting speculation that he may, in fact, be learning.
The identity of Zuckerberg’s alleged non-algorithmic flame remains a mystery. Some believe she’s a tech groupie who left Elon Musk’s DM requests on read, while others suspect she’s the original Clippy from Microsoft Office—finally getting her revenge.
Meta representatives quickly responded, assuring shareholders, “Our founder’s relationship status remains complicated. We ask for privacy during this trying time of debugging.”
Meanwhile, relationship experts are divided. Some call it a “classic case of social media heartache,” while others warn, “Never trust a man whose eyes scan for QR codes during dinner.”
All we know is, somewhere, a Roomba is quietly updating its firmware, praying it’s next.
By: TheJestPress.com
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