#BreakingNews #OopsICE #ImmigrationRaid #PaperworkProblems #Satire
By: TheJestPress.com
**US Citizen, Army Veteran Detained at Immigration Raid—Family’s Hide-and-Seek Game Ends after 3 Days**
In the latest episode of “How Did That Happen?”, a US citizen and decorated Army veteran was swept up by ICE agents during an immigration raid last Thursday. The incident occurred at a local Taco Tuesday event, which, according to one ICE official, “just felt like the right vibe for a sweep.”
The Army veteran, identified as Jim, reportedly tried reasoning with the ICE squad by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance and singing Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA”—in both English AND an impressive faux-Spanish accent. Unfortunately, officers remained unmoved, reportedly demanding, “More paperwork, less patriotism.” Ironically, neither had a pen handy.
Jim was whisked away to a “secure facility” (translation: mystery location known only to Google Maps data miners) for a three-day government-funded staycation. Sources report that Jim enjoyed the finest cuisine taxpayer dollars can buy—namely, lukewarm mystery meat and off-brand colas. “It’s just like the Army, but with less yelling and more paperwork,” Jim later revealed.
Meanwhile, Jim’s family kicked off the Great American Tradition of Frantic Phone Calls, contacting every government office that could possibly spell “immigration.” After being disconnected twelve times and accidentally filing a Freedom of Information Act request for the local Chili’s, they finally spotted Jim’s mugshot on social media: “RAID SUCCESS! Caught Another One,” accompanied by the cacti emoji.
It was only after government officials realized Jim’s tattoo read “Born in the USA,” not “Born in Uruguay,” that they released him with a coupon for a free passport renewal and hearty, half-hearted apology.
ICE issued a statement: “We regret the error and sincerely hope Jim enjoyed his surprise stay. Please attach birth certificates to uniforms moving forward.”
American justice: where everyone gets to play hide-and-seek. Ready or not, here comes ICE!
By: TheJestPress.com
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