#Satire #LAnews #FloridaManVibes #StayAtHome #DarwinAwards
By: TheJestPress.com
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a tale sure to make insurance agents everywhere reach for their anxiety meds, chaos unfolded downtown when a driver managed the impressive feat of hitting 30 people in one go—a record previously only threatened by errant Mario Kart players.
The incident began at noon on Tuesday, when area residents—accustomed to everything except pothole-free streets and punctual public transportation—suddenly found themselves starring as “unwilling extras” in a three-minute Grand Theft Auto reel. According to stunned witnesses, the driver “seemed to be auditioning for Fast & Furious: Gridlock Geddon.”
“My phone was out, so I didn’t get good footage,” said bystander Chad Fenwick, whose TikTok account, sadly, still only has two followers. “But the screams were definitely trending.”
After mowing down 30 people, the driver’s day got even worse than his Yelp rating. As soon as his car rolled to a dramatic stop, a group of would-be action heroes swarmed the vehicle, administering what they referred to as “community-based justice.” Then, in a plot twist local screenwriters instantly optioned, one of the bystanders decided to escalate from fists to firearms, promptly shooting the driver.
“As per California law, I did ask him about his star sign before firing,” the would-be vigilante explained to police. “He said Gemini. I had no choice.”
Officials quickly arrived on scene to establish an impressive perimeter of yellow tape and to assure the press that such incidents are still technically “rare enough to be newsworthy,” but “not so rare that Angelenos should put away their first aid kits.”
The event has already led to fresh demands that LA drivers retake their road tests—at night, during rush hour, with Taylor Swift blasting on repeat. As one city councilman summarized, “We’re just grateful no e-scooters were hurt.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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