#BreakingNews #LosAngeles #TrafficWoes #OnlyInLA #Satire
By: TheJestPress.com
In what authorities are already calling “just another Tuesday in LA”, several people were critically injured when a vehicle, seemingly fed up with LA’s infamous traffic, made a bold detour—straight into a crowd.
Eyewitness Chloe Martinez stated, “Honestly, I thought it was a flash mob or, like, a new kind of drive-through taco truck. But then people started screaming, and I realized it’s just Los Angeles being Los Angeles… on hard mode.”
The driver, who allegedly blames Waze for sending them “directly into pedestrian territory”, reportedly told police that the route “looked faster”. “I got three texts from my yoga instructor before I even hit Pico!” the suspect declared, as rescuers pried melted avocado toast from their cup holder.
City officials say the incident will be thoroughly investigated, right after they finish making a TikTok dance about it to raise awareness.
Local LAPD Sergeant Chad “Traffic Cone” O’Malley said, “We’re asking the public not to leap into impromptu street performances while vehicles are approaching, no matter how big the crowd. This isn’t the Coachella parking lot, folks.”
In response, the city government held a press conference from their latest pop-up juice bar, promising new safety measures. Proposed ideas include crosswalks equipped with flame-throwers to “keep things interesting” and “Pedestrian Airbags”—inflated by startled joggers and delivered every Friday by influencer cyclists.
Uber and Lyft, meanwhile, released a joint statement reminding Angelenos that “at least none of our drivers streamed this live.”
The city’s mayor wrapped up the day with these reassuring words: “While this incident is tragic, let’s not forget that most LA drivers only metaphorically run over pedestrians. Let that comfort you on your walk home. If you dare.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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