#PregnancyProblems #PesticideParade #MotherNatureLOL #RuralReality #ToxicTrends
By: TheJestPress.com
**New Study Finds Motherhood Now Includes Collecting Pesticides Like Pokémon Cards**
If you’re pregnant in 2024, congratulations! According to a bold new study, there’s a strong chance you’re not just expecting a baby—you’re also expecting a pesticide party in your bloodstream. Scientists discovered that *at least* one pesticide showed up in the urine of 81% of pregnant women tested, with 64% lucky enough to score multiple different varieties. Because when it comes to chemicals, why settle for just one flavor?
Not to be outdone by city dwellers, rural women led the pack with this trendy new “pesticide medley” health craze, clocking in at a whopping 70%. Urban moms trailed at 55%, presumably because Google Maps sent the pesticides to the suburbs by mistake.
“It’s wild,” said one scientist, clutching her 97th urine sample of the day. “Some women had five or six different pesticides. They could start a collection, or at least open a themed smoothie shop.”
In a shocking display of cause and effect, the study found that among women sampling the full pesticide buffet, 34% suffered pregnancy complications. The other 66% presumably just sparkle in the dark and attract fewer mosquitoes.
Health officials recommend washing produce and, if possible, switching to a strict diet of filtered air and memories of organic vegetables from the early 2000s. For rural moms, extra points if your local cafe now features an “herbicide latte” on the drink board.
On the bright side, with so many chemicals mingling in the average expecting mom, birth announcements can now list the baby’s weight *and* top pesticide concentrations. Isn’t science amazing?
The CDC reminds everyone, “Try not to panic.” Mainly because stress is just another thing they’ll find in your urine next year.
By: TheJestPress.com
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