#Satire #RubioVsJudges #BrazilPolitics #VisaSwap #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
Hot on the trail of whatever cable news tells him is important, U.S. Senator Marco Rubio bravely leaped into the international ring this week, moving to strip U.S. visas from eight Brazilian judges whose names he definitely can pronounce. The judges’ grave sin: ruling in cases involving former President Jair Bolsonaro, a man who gets banned from both social media platforms **and** all-you-can-eat steakhouses in Rio.
“The United States cannot stand by while Brazilian courts create even more drama than our own Supreme Court,” exclaimed Rubio, clutching a well-thumbed copy of “Geopolitics for Dummies.” In a press conference punctuated by dramatic finger-pointing and at least two attempts to say “Samba,” he declared these judges “enemies of democracy, freedom, and unlimited access to Magic Kingdom FastPasses.”
Many are wondering if the judges will even notice, since all eight reportedly spend their vacations in Patagonia, or as one unnamed source put it, “The Florida of South America, but with better steak.” Still, Rubio’s move sets an important precedent: Travel bans are not just for oligarchs, terrorists, or your neighbor who vapes in elevators—they’re for anyone who makes political decisions an American senator doesn’t like.
Rubio hopes this will send a “clear message” to Brazil: Don’t mess with U.S. interests, especially if those interests involve Bolsonaro fan memes and nostalgic Ronaldinho highlights. If successful, insiders say Rubio is considering extending the ban to “any public official worldwide who looks at me funny.”
Brazilian officials fired back, threatening to revoke Rubio’s honorary Carnival invitation and, in a show of diplomatic brutality, block shipments of piranha-themed snow globes to certain Miami gift shops.
While constitutional scholars scratch their heads and Floridians scratch their bug bites, one thing is certain: American senators will always stand ready to fight for freedom—preferably from the safety of the Capitol cafeteria.
By: TheJestPress.com
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