#Texas #FloodUpdate #MissingPersonsMath #NewsSatire #CountingIsHard
By: TheJestPress.com
AUSTIN, TX – After days of speculation and the wildest estimates outside of a jellybean-counting contest, Texas officials have triumphantly announced a revision in the number of people missing in Kerr County following “catastrophic flooding.” The tally has now been “downsized with gusto” from rampant rumor-based guesses to the more manageable number of three (yes, just three).
“Turns out, most of the missing just wandered off during the rain to find stronger Wi-Fi,” explained Texas Emergency Response Headcount Czar, Judy Tallman. According to Tallman, the original list of missing persons included “everyone who hadn’t texted their Grandma or posted a flood selfie in the last eight hours.”
The adjustment comes after authorities reportedly discovered “at least 37 of the ‘missing’ at a nearby Denny’s, consuming Grand Slams and grumbling loudly about power outages but otherwise very present and uneventful.” Officials further whittled down the numbers after realizing their spreadsheets contained double entries for “Billy Bob,” who apparently has four cousins with the same name, as well as one particularly charismatic dog.
Local resident and self-appointed Flood Statistician, Charley Puddle, was unfazed. “This happens all the time. In Texas, one minute you’re missing and the next you’re on your cousin’s couch swiping Tinder in a towel,” Puddle declared. “We’re a state of wanderers and enthusiastic miscommunicators.”
The state assured citizens that they would continue searching for the remaining three missing individuals—who, according to one source, might actually be hiding from press interviews.
“In the future,” added Tallman, “we plan to attach GPS trackers to all native Texans. Or at least ask for hourly check-ins from anyone named Billy Bob or their pets.”
Thus, the Lone Star State bravely faces yet another natural disaster with steadily improving math skills and ever-shrinking missing persons lists.
By: TheJestPress.com
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