#TexasInRussia #LoneStarLetdown #RespectTheTexan #BootsOnWrongGround #YeehawNyet
By: TheJestPress.com
WACO, TX – Larry “Tex” Bartlett, 34, an out-of-work rodeo clown and “part-time line dancer,” shocked his friends and several local Whataburger employees this week when he announced his plan to join the Russian army. “I just want some dang respect,” Bartlett declared, after revealing he hopes a stint abroad would force folks back home to “quit calling me Larry the Loser.”
Bartlett, known for lively debate on barbecue sauce and his uncanny ability to dodge charging bulls (and ex-girlfriends), reportedly believed “earning stripes” in the Russian military would bring him, if not fame, at least killer stories at Thanksgiving. Swayed by online ads promising “glory, honor, and unlimited potatoes,” he flew to Moscow, his suitcase stocked with ten-gallon hats, beef jerky, and a stolen Buc-ee’s t-shirt.
Sources say the Russian recruitment officer, perplexed yet intrigued by Bartlett’s insistence on using “Howdy, comrade” as a greeting, quickly welcomed him in. “We need soldier with big hat. Good for morale,” the officer reported.
The honeymoon was short-lived. Bartlett, expecting months of basic training and perhaps a kumbaya campfire, was shocked to find himself shipped directly to the front lines within 48 hours. “They told me I’d be guarding potato fields and taking cute bear selfies,” Bartlett reported by satellite phone. Instead, he’s found himself ducking artillery and trying to explain the rules of cornhole to confused conscripts from Siberia.
When asked if he had learned any Russian, Bartlett replied, “Only word I know so far is ‘run.’” He added, “If I make it out of this, I want everyone to call me Larry the Brave. Or at least, Larry-not-the-Loser.”
Meanwhile, Russian commanders predict morale will soar—if only because soldiers can’t stop asking, “What’s up with the guy in the cowboy boots?”
By: TheJestPress.com
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