#Satire #FakeKidnap #ICEscapade #GoFraudMe #DOJNews
By: TheJestPress.com
**Undocumented Woman “Kidnapped” by Imaginary ICE Agents, Survives on Thoughts, Prayers, and Venmo Donations**
In an audacious bid for both freedom and fiscal stimulus, an undocumented woman in Texas allegedly faked her own kidnapping by ICE agents, the Department of Justice claims. According to authorities, the woman, identified only as “La Fabulosa Desaparecida,” sought to raise donations using the latest philanthropic tool: pure, uncut anxiety.
The hoax began when friends received frantic texts: “ICE outside! They took me! Send money so I can bribe them with my favorite Starbucks gift cards!” Reports indicate concerned acquaintances were soon sending her everything from heartfelt thoughts and prayers to generous Venmo payments labeled “For bail/plants/safe return/extra guac.”
The convincing charade included staged latte art with “Help!” scrawled in milk froth and blurry photos captioned: “If this gets 500 likes, maybe ICE will let me FaceTime my cat.” At one point, supporters formed a prayer circle at a local Chipotle, unwittingly fueling her burrito bowl fund.
The DOJ, however, was less than impressed. “Her ICE kidnappers were last seen riding off on imaginary unicorns, demanding donations in Bitcoin and Beanie Babies,” a spokesperson deadpanned. “We recommend Americans channel their generosity into slightly more legitimate causes, like buying someone a real cup of coffee.”
Meanwhile, GoFraudMe—the nation’s leading platform for creative crowd-funding—has already offered La Fabulosa Desaparecida a brand ambassador deal.
When reached for comment, the faux-kidnapped woman said, “Next time, I think I’ll just invent missing baggage at Spirit Airlines. People seem to believe anything these days.”
In a country desperate for hope and handfuls of likes, one thing is clear: America’s favorite new currency may just be a convincing sob story.
By: TheJestPress.com
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