#Satire #ICC #CulturalHeritage #Looting #ModernDayVikings
By: TheJestPress.com
**‘Rewriting History’: ICC Receives Claim After Russia Allegedly Knights Itself ‘Most Enthusiastic Looters Since WWII’**
In a new twist to the ongoing saga of “Who Can Outdo the 1940s?”, a formal claim has been filed to the International Criminal Court (ICC), accusing Russia of the “biggest looting of cultural heritage in Europe during an international armed conflict since the Second World War.”
Dubbed “Operation: Make Museums Sad Again,” Russian collectors are reportedly running out of wall space and now resorting to storing Tartar relics under their beds and Monet sketches behind their refrigerators. One anonymous Kremlin source stated, “There is only so much space above the fireplace for priceless heritage. We’re stacking history like IKEA furniture at this point.”
The ICC, in response, dusted off a filing cabinet last touched during the last serious looting, noting they’d “added extra ink to the pens and a faint hope” that someone will read Section VIII, Subsection ‘Don’t Steal the Artwork,’ of the Geneva Conventions. A spokesperson added, “Apparently, if you dress up as a museum curator and call it ‘liberation,’ you can fit a surprising amount of 11th-century pottery into your diplomatic luggage.”
Russian state media meanwhile announced the looting is actually part of an “extensive exchange program,” where Ukrainian artifacts generously visit Russia with no fixed return date—possibly set for 3024. “We’re just keeping these items safe from the dangers of peace,” solemnly assured one cultural attaché, polishing a 5th-century icon with the sleeve of his tracksuit.
Historians are already preparing revised textbooks: “Kids, the Mona Lisa defected to Moscow after developing a taste for borscht.”
In unrelated news, Sotheby’s is launching an exclusive new catalog: “The Formerly-Ukrainian Collection.” Free shipping, as long as you’re in occupied territory.
Stay tuned as history’s greatest hits get remixed, Russian-style—coming soon to a black market near you!
By: TheJestPress.com
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