#NameGame2024 #RedskinsReturns #PresidentialPriorities #NFLDrama #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking announcement that left both sports fans and cultural commentators bewildered, President Joe Biden has called upon the Washington Commanders to “return to the true roots of football” by immediately reverting to their former, much-debated name. “Look, folks, back in my day—when you called a team the Redskins, it wasn’t about politics. It was about confusing everyone at Thanksgiving,” the President said during a hastily arranged press conference, held on the 50-yard line of an undisclosed local high school field.
Flanked by several bemused Commanders players (who later admitted they’d thought they were attending a team-building pizza party), Biden waxed poetic about the “simpler days” when controversies were limited to deflated footballs and coaches’ questionable playlists. “If Prince can change his name to a symbol and back, surely we can bring back the name that made hotdog sales skyrocket and fans argue in comment sections.” The President then paused to sip a Gatorade and forgot where he was for seven full minutes.
Reactions have been mixed. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, speaking through clenched teeth, said, “If the federal government wants to run the team, they can also cover the salary cap.” Meanwhile, several Commanders fans appeared disoriented when polled outside the stadium, with one superfan stating, “I just want the team to win more than eight games. They can call themselves the Washington Squirrels for all I care.”
White House insiders say the move is the President’s attempt to unite the nation “one obsolete mascot at a time,” and that next, he’ll propose the Cleveland Guardians return to being the Indians, “unless Chief Wahoo is busy.”
Only time will tell if the NFL bows to executive pressure, or if future Super Bowl commercials will soon feature dancing potato chips wearing questionable headdresses. Stay tuned, America.
By: TheJestPress.com
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