#COVIDScience #SpikeSpeculation #SatireScience #ViralVexation #JestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
**Soluble SARS-CoV-2 Spike Glycoprotein: World’s Smallest Bouncer, Largest Party Crasher**
Scientists at the Institute for Mildly Alarming Things announced today that the soluble SARS-CoV-2 spike glycoprotein—the floaty bit of the coronavirus that likes to stick to everything except bad internet memes—might be more than just a microscopic door-knocker. “We used to think this little protein only wanted to help its virus friends get into the club,” said Dr. Gene Poole. “But now we suspect it crasheS parties all by itself, spills drinks, and then faints melodramatically.”
Soluble spike glycoprotein, which breaks away from the virus like a dramatic reality TV contestant (“I just can’t take this immune response!”), has been caught mingling in human bloodstreams. Experts now warn that it may bump into unsuspecting cells, confuse immune systems, and possibly steal your WiFi signal, though that last one is still under peer review.
The World Quote Organization issued this helpful advice: “If you see a spike protein wandering in your tissues, please don’t approach it. It’s shy and a little sticky. Instead, nod politely and slowly back away with your ACE2 receptors tucked in.”
A local man, Ted “Antibody” Smith, told reporters, “Ever since I heard about these free-wheeling spike proteins, I lock my doors, wear a mask at Zoom calls, and only let proteins in if they have proper folding.” He then asked if spike proteins respond to garlic.
Researchers are now considering whether spike glycoproteins might help solve other mysteries, like where all our socks go, or why cats stare at nothing. Vaccine manufacturers have issued a collective “Whew!” noting that their shots remind your own spike proteins to mind their manners.
In other news, the CDC now recommends everyone wash their hands, their doorknobs, and their glycoproteins, “just in case.”
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment