#Satire #SchoolNews #AltRight #DalhousieUniversity #TeachersUnite
By: TheJestPress.com
**Researchers Warn: Half of Teachers Now Moonlight as Amateur Therapists, Thanks to Teenage Andrew Tate Fans**
HALIFAX – A startling new study from Dalhousie University reveals that high school teachers in Canada have quietly evolved from humble educators into full-time hostage negotiators—except the hostages are their students’ moral compasses, and the ransom note is a Joe Rogan podcast transcript.
“The most challenging part of teaching English this year isn’t literary analysis, it’s talking fifteen-year-old Chad out of quoting Jordan Peterson instead of Shakespeare,” admitted Jennifer MacLeod, a Grade 11 teacher who visibly aged five years over the course of this interview.
The study, titled “Trying to Talk White Male Teenagers Off the Alt-Right Ledge,” found that incidents of explicit misogyny and ‘bro-ology’ have skyrocketed in classrooms. Nearly 70% of teachers reported students handing in essays entitled, “Why My Gym Routine Makes Me Smarter Than My Mom,” or submitting group projects listing “Top G” as a historical leader.
Dalhousie researchers warn these trends could impact education dramatically. “Some students treat math class like a debate panel on YouTube,” said lead researcher Dr. Linda Wokeberg. “Yesterday, a kid asked me to ‘provide empirical evidence’ that respecting women increases productivity. I told him to Google ‘every functioning society on Earth.’”
Despite their best efforts, teachers say their newfound roles as quick-thinking ideological deprogrammers have left them exhausted, but hopeful. “The good news is, even the most hardened TikTok philosopher can still be bribed with pizza and extra recess,” said Mr. Peterson—no relation.
School resource officers, meanwhile, have begun offering professional development sessions on “How to Disarm a ‘Based’ Manifesto With Empathy and Video Game Facts.”
As the battle for the hearts and minds of teenagers rages on, classrooms across the country are left with one unifying mantra: “If you finish your assignment and don’t call anyone ‘feminist scum’, you get a gold star.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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