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By: TheJestPress.com
In a turn of events guaranteed to give Uncle Moishe a headache and Abu Samir heartburn, the Druze community on Israel’s Golan Heights is apparently now singing “Hatikvah” in the mornings and awkwardly texting Israel “u up?” after witnessing events across the border in Syria. Locals report that the juxtaposition of living in a peaceful country versus a literal warzone next door has really put things into perspective, and suddenly Israeli bureaucracy doesn’t seem so bad compared to, say, not having running water.
“We’ve decided to call it ‘Our Oct. 7,’” said community elder Farid S., referencing the day the Syrian military discovered Google Maps and realized the quickest way from Damascus to disaster is right through Druze villages. “If there’s one thing we Druze hate, it’s finding armed men in our living room who aren’t supposed to be there—unless they’re from the electric company, of course.”
In a statement that would have made his ancestors drop their shisha pipes, Farid continued, “We used to complain about Israeli taxes, but at least here the patrols only give us a parking ticket, not a lifetime subscription to shelling.”
Israel, meanwhile, attempted to maintain its usual ambiguous expression, which translates roughly to “well, we always said you’d miss us if we were gone.” Prime Minister Bibi reportedly called the Golan Druze to express solidarity, after first confirming with Mossad that it wasn’t a prank call set up by TheJestPress.
On social media, Golan Druze posted heartfelt tributes and memes using #ThankYouIsrael, while also demanding better broadband. One young resident tweeted, “Never thought I’d be grateful for a queue at the post office. At least here, waiting in line is just annoying, not life-threatening.”
Experts say these feelings may be temporary and will likely disappear the moment the local municipality tries to pave a new road through the village apple orchard.
By: TheJestPress.com
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