#TennesseeNews #Satire #DeathPenalty #TechTroubles #DarkHumor
By: TheJestPress.com
**Tennessee Inmate’s Heart Device Must Be Turned Off Before Execution to Avoid Shock Risk, Judge Rules**
In a shocking twist that has both doctors and electricians scratching their heads, a Tennessee judge has ruled that death row inmate Carl V. Sparks’ pacemaker must be switched off before his scheduled execution, in order to “minimize risk of accidental electrocution, injury, or an awkward pause between volts.”
The official ruling, titled *“Please Don’t Make Me Call IT Support Again,”* cited concerns that the state’s traditional 1,500-volt send-off could “interrupt the delicate rhythm of Sparks’ court-mandated artificial heart device,” prompting both medical and philosophical questions nobody wanted to answer on record.
“We’re committed to safe, humane, and ironically non-electrifying executions,” said Tennessee’s Correctional Chief Technology Officer, Bob Circuit. “Imagine the headlines if Carl’s pacemaker starts charging up during the big moment. Suddenly, you’ve got a heart raving away like it’s at a techno concert. Not the vibe we’re going for.”
Switching off a pacemaker before an execution reportedly involves a special remote, the cooperation of a med tech, and the world’s least festive countdown. “Three, two, one—whoops, there he goes!” joked one nurse, requesting anonymity lest she be drafted for “medical tech support” ever again.
Critics say the ruling highlights the absurd intersection of rapidly advancing biomedical tech and the state’s commitment to “ye-olde timey” execution methods. “If only Carl had opted for the guillotine upgrade,” mused Electric Chair Operator Hank “High Voltage” Henderson. “But then again, that’s subscription only in France.”
At press time, officials were working closely with a team of cardiologists, engineers, and one nervous IT guy to ensure that, for the first time in history, someone would be *safely disconnected* before being executed.
By: TheJestPress.com
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