#BritishEspionage #TeaTimeTraitor #NotSoSecretAgent #SpyFail #UKNews
By: TheJestPress.com
**British Man Guilty of Trying to Spy for Russia – Accidentally Sends Espionage Files via Royal Mail Second Class**
In what MI5 is describing as “the most British espionage mishap in recent history,” Nigel Clutterbuck-Windsor, 43, of Grimsby, has been found guilty of attempting to spy for Russia—in a manner so spectacularly inept that even James Bond’s pet goldfish would be embarrassed.
According to courtroom sources, Clutterbuck-Windsor believed he was embarking on a thrilling life of international intrigue. In reality, his entire spy career lasted twelve days, peaked with mailing a USB stick labelled “Top Sekret” to “Mr. Russian Spy, Kremlin, Moscow,” and fizzled after repeated attempts to tip off Russian intelligence via Facebook Messenger.
“He used his real name and profile photo,” sighed Detective Inspector Bob Cumbersnatch. “He even attached a selfie with Big Ben in the background for ‘authentic British vibes.’ The Russians thought it was spam and blocked him.”
MI5’s chief of low-expectation security, Lady Penelope Scone-Smugg, expressed relief that “the only thing Mr. Clutterbuck-Windsor compromised was his Internet search history and faith in the efficiency of the Royal Mail.” Apparently, his eagerly encrypted files consisted of BBC weather forecasts and a particularly scathing review of Tesco’s meal deals.
Asked why he did it, Clutterbuck-Windsor explained, “I fancied a trip to Moscow and thought it’d be fun. Plus, I heard their tea is—oh wait, never mind, that was vodka.”
The Russian Embassy released a statement: “Please stop sending us unsolicited British spies. We can only handle so many confused men in raincoats asking for ‘the codes’ and directions to the nearest Greggs bakery.”
Clutterbuck-Windsor’s sentence involves writing an essay on “How Not To Be a Spy,” mandatory viewing of *Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy* with commentary from his mum, and a permanent ban from all branches of Greggs.
More details to follow if anyone ever feels like checking their spam folder again.
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