#JusticeServed #33MonthsOfChange #SatireNews #BreonnaTaylor #WeakSentences
By: TheJestPress.com
**U.S. Judge Sentences Ex-Police Officer In Breonna Taylor Case to 33 Months, Hopes Everyone Forgets By Lunch**
In a bold move to demonstrate the ironclad strength of the American justice system, a U.S. judge has sentenced a former police officer to a whopping 33 months—yes, that’s nearly three whole years—for violating the civil rights of Breonna Taylor. The courtroom stenographer nearly sprained a wrist typing all those months.
“The sentence reflects the seriousness of the crime,” the judge reportedly said, before quietly adding, “at least according to my wall calendar, which unfortunately only has 12 months per year.”
The ex-officer, who will remain nameless out of respect for the ever-growing backlog of questionably named cop documentaries, reportedly expressed “shock and awe” at the severity of the sentence, stating, “33 months is the length of time it usually takes for internal affairs to open an email.”
Upon hearing the news, activists celebrated by immediately Googling “33 months in years” and coming away vaguely disappointed. Meanwhile, legal experts commended the decision, noting that the sentence is “somewhere between a slap on the wrist and a particularly stern finger wag, which is just how the founding fathers intended.”
Officials assured the public that the ex-officer would serve his sentence in a facility equipped with all the finest amenities: yoga mats, artisanal toast, and copies of “How to Rebrand After Mild Public Backlash.”
In a press release, the Justice Department says the sentence “sends a strong message” to police everywhere: “If you violate someone’s civil rights, you may have to endure almost as much discomfort as getting stuck in traffic on a Monday.”
Meanwhile, a coalition of outraged Americans have suggested shortening the sentence to “just enough time for people to stop trending the hashtag.”
Stay tuned as the investigation continues and justice is served—room temperature, on a paper plate.
By: TheJestPress.com
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