#BlackSabbath #OzzyOsbourne #HeavyMetal #RockNRollHeaven #SatireNews
**Ozzy Osbourne, Black Sabbath Frontman and Icon of British Heavy Metal, Dies Aged 76: Reports of Bats Everywhere Rejoicing**
By: TheJestPress.com
The world paused, headbanged, and then forgot what they were doing for a moment after it was announced that Ozzy Osbourne, immortal frontman of Black Sabbath and pioneer of “singing as if you just rolled out of bed,” has died at the definitive age of 76.
In a statement released early this morning, Osbourne’s family declared, “Ozzy has left the building, and—surprisingly—managed to use the door this time.” Scientists are already calling his passing “the most surprising thing to happen since he made it to 76 in the first place.”
Fans around the world immediately began to play “Paranoid” on repeat, which is exactly what Osbourne would have done if you’d asked him to explain what Tuesday was. In Birmingham, crowds gathered and attempted to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies in tribute, only to realize Cadbury doesn’t make bat-shaped treats. Yet.
Longtime wife Sharon Osbourne is reported to be “somewhere between tearful and relieved,” stating, “Honestly, we’ve been preparing for this since 1973. Every time he left the house, we assumed he might forget how to return.”
Meanwhile, in a twist befitting heavy metal’s prince of darkness, a conference of bats has been called at an undisclosed cave, where the bat community plans to observe a moment of silence, then promptly forget why they gathered.
Ozzy’s final words are rumored to be: “Wait, am I on ‘The Osbournes’ right now?” Scholars are expected to spend decades translating this utterance.
As for Black Sabbath, the iconic band has confirmed their official retirement from all things except arguing on Twitter and collecting increasingly elaborate arthritis medication.
So raise a glass, eat a bat-shaped marshmallow, and crank the volume to eleven. Ozzy may have left the (mortal) stage, but nobody will ever quite replace the man who made mumbling an art form.
By: TheJestPress.com
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