#ElderlyRights #AcademiaGoneWild #JapanNews #BadAdvice #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
**Yale Professor Suggests Old People in Japan Should Commit Mass Suicide—Enrollment in University’s Philosophy Class Plummets**
In what many are calling “the world’s worst retirement plan,” a Yale University professor has astounded scholars, ethicists, and pretty much anyone with a grandparent by suggesting mass suicide as a solution to Japan’s aging population. Dr. Ima Gonner, tenured philosopher and part-time doomsday prepper, made the comment while addressing Japan’s demographic crisis, offering a tip so hot it belongs in a volcano.
“Japan must consider *drastic* measures,” Dr. Gonner declared, before winking at the Grim Reaper seated in the front row. “If the elderly all exited stage left at once, we’d solve pension issues *and* free up seats at sushi bars. It’s win-win!”
Reaction in Japan was swift and, as expected, deeply unimpressed. Local senior citizens reportedly formed a “Walking Club for Life,” dedicated to power-walking past their expiration dates. One 93-year-old said, “I survived the Great Tokyo Earthquake, three Prime Ministers, and the invention of TikTok. I’m not leaving until I see Japan win a World Cup.”
Meanwhile, Yale hurriedly updated its promotional materials, replacing “Shape the Future” with “Shape *a* Future—Definitely Not Yours!” The university also announced Dr. Gonner is on “sabbatical,” reportedly somewhere remote with limited WiFi and zero funeral homes.
Critics suggest Dr. Gonner might develop more nuanced solutions if forced to spend a week teaching bingo at a Tokyo retirement home. Experts agree: Recommending mass suicide in the name of efficiency is about as smart as building a nuclear plant in Godzilla’s backyard.
Plans to host Dr. Gonner at this year’s AARP convention were quietly canceled, and sources say the Professor has been turned into the punchline of every Japanese late-night comedy show.
**The world waits—nervously—for Dr. Gonner’s next big idea. Maybe it’ll involve launching professors into space.**
By: TheJestPress.com
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