#AI #IntensiveCareUnit #FuturismFail #MedicalSatire #RobotsOnCoffeeBreak
By: TheJestPress.com
**AI in the ICU: Still Mostly Just PowerPoint Slides and ChadGPT**
In what seemed like a plotline straight out of a dystopian future—minus the actual robots—medical researchers have announced the shocking results of their latest systematic review: Despite thousands of PowerPoint presentations and at least three startups named “CureBot,” not a single artificial intelligence model has achieved full implementation in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU).
The review, which spanned dozens of studies, continents, and infinite “innovation strategy” emails, found that AI in the ICU is still more theoretical than your brother-in-law’s crypto investment. While engineers and doctors alike hoped for mechanical nurses who don’t get tired, snarky, or need bathroom breaks, reality had other plans. According to Dr. Samantha Newmann, lead author of the study, “Most AI models were stuck somewhere between ‘our pilot study’ and ‘we’ll be presenting this at the next conference, promise.’”
One reason for the failure? Apparently, hospital staff prefer caring for patients over arguing with a WiFi-enabled laptop about how to pronounce “tachyarrhythmia.” Others point to the fact that every time the AI tried to diagnose sepsis, it instead ordered 400 pizzas and a Netflix subscription.
More disastrous was the time the AI, hoping to “think outside the box,” recommended replacing saline with diet soda. “It was a teachable moment,” sighed Dr. Newmann. “For both the machine and nursing staff.”
Tech start-ups remain undaunted. “Our new model, ICU-WowGPT, is 92% accurate at ordering coffee and 75% at generating memes about handwashing,” said one hopeful tech CEO.
Still, optimism prevails. Next year’s conference keynote: “How AI Will Revolutionize ICU Care (If We Can Get the Printer Working).”
At this rate, artificial intelligence in the ICU will hit prime time just as soon as Windows XP is fully phased out—so, any decade now.
By: TheJestPress.com
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