#CongressionalCountdown #ChecksAndImbalance #PowerOutage #DeadlineBlues #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
WASHINGTON, DC—As the nation sits breathlessly on the edge of a looming government shutdown in exactly 41 days, Congress has again displayed its mastery at delegating, procrastinating, and generally letting democracy run on autopilot. Lawmakers across party lines celebrated this impressive streak of inaction with a bipartisan “We’ll Get to It Eventually” brunch—featuring waffles with extra syrup for those who’ve contributed nothing.
This year, Congress boldly continues its tradition of handing off responsibility the way people hand out candy on Halloween. When asked who would take charge of the budget negotiations, congressional leaders responded, “Not it!” before scattering to undisclosed locations. Insiders believe Congress may simply be outsourcing all governing responsibilities to a particularly charismatic Magic 8-Ball found in the Senate cloakroom.
Meanwhile, President Biden checked his watch during a briefing and mused, “Maybe if we let the deadline pass, it’ll just magically fix itself? That’s how my garage door works.” The White House later clarified that, at this rate, the president might have to sign executive orders with a pen borrowed from the Department of Not-My-Problem.
Some members of Congress are even suggesting the official powers of the legislative branch be donated to charity, or perhaps left as a tip at their next expensive steakhouse dinner. Citizens, however, are beginning to wonder if Congress is secretly competing to see how little can be accomplished before the crisis klaxon sounds.
As the days tick down, Americans prepare to once again relive the “Government Shutdown Netflix Binge,” checking for updates only because the politicians themselves seem disinterested.
So as 41 days dwindle by with the urgency of molasses in January, rest assured: Congress is committed to eventually remembering that they run the country—right after this nice, long nap.
By: TheJestPress.com
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