#Satire #EPANews #ClimateChange #EcoLogic #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
**E.P.A. Is Said to Draft a Plan to End Its Ability to Fight Climate Change**
In a bold move that scientists are calling “utterly counter-intuitive” and accountants are calling “cost-effective,” the Environmental Protection Agency (E.P.A.) is rumored to be drafting a revolutionary new plan: completely ending its own ability to fight climate change.
According to highly unreliable sources who spoke to The Jest Press exclusively while wearing gas masks, the plan—dubbed “Operation Hands Off the Planet”—will involve shredding climate research, recycling policy documents (but only in regular trash bins), and possibly selling the last existing solar panel to Elon Musk on eBay.
“We realized we’re creating way too much paperwork,” said E.P.A. spokesperson Sandy Fenestration, between coughs from the smog outside her office window. “Plus, fighting climate change is hard and sometimes windy. Wouldn’t it be easier if we just, you know, didn’t?”
Step one in the draft plan reportedly involves turning the E.P.A. headquarters into a state-of-the-art greenhouse, providing employees with hands-on, immersive experience of what happens when you ignore climate change—while simultaneously providing all-natural sunburns, year round.
“Now we can finally focus on other important issues, like the declining stock price of fossil fuels,” said one anonymous board member, seen fracking their home garden.
Industry leaders have already praised the plan. “This is a win-win,” said an oil executive while moistening his lips with a dollar bill. “The E.P.A. has finally realized that the best way to fight climate change is to just let nature take its course. And by ‘nature,’ I mean ‘unfettered industry.’”
When asked how the public would respond, E.P.A. officials stated, “We’ll leave that for the next agency to clean up. Maybe the Department of Uncontrolled Infernos?”
**By: TheJestPress.com**
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