#ClimateClownShow #RollingCoalWins #EpicPolicyReversal #EPAwut #CarbonComedy
By: TheJestPress.com
**EPA to Withdraw Foundation of Greenhouse Gas Rules, Because Apparently Oxygen Needed a Challenge**
In a stunning move applauded by coal lobbyists and confused grandmothers everywhere, sources report that the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) will soon withdraw the very foundation of its greenhouse gas rules. Scientists, polar bears, and anyone who’s tried to breathe in rush hour traffic responded by furiously Googling “How to build a Mars colony.”
The foundation, consisting of scientific reports, climate models, and handwritten notes from weeping middle-schoolers, has apparently become “too burdensome” for the agency. Acting EPA spokesperson Smokey “Big Gulps” Networthy explained, “We just felt it was time to give greenhouse gases a fresh start. Why must they always be treated like villains? What has carbon dioxide ever done to you—other than make soda fizz and glaciers, you know, gently melt?”
Oil executives across the nation reportedly uncorked bottles of “fracking fluid” champagne, while West Virginia issued a commemorative black lung postage stamp. President Joe Biden, caught off guard, mumbled that the EPA should probably consider “maybe at least keeping the part that says water is wet.”
In related news, automakers announced plans to launch a new line of Escalades, the Escalades-Everywhere, with 12 miles per gallon and three exhaust pipes per passenger. “The air was getting too fresh in some neighborhoods anyway,” an industry lobbyist clarified.
As the EPA hastily removes climate data from its website in favor of inspirational quotes from Ayn Rand and pictures of happy smokestacks, Americans are left to wonder what will come next. Maybe the FDA will loosen salad regulations, or the FAA will drop the requirement for gravity.
One thing’s for certain: stay tuned, and remember to hold your breath—but not for too long.
By: TheJestPress.com
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