#Blood4Bud #CannabisCares #SouthBeloitNews #HighOnLife #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
**‘Blood for Bud’ Campaign Trades Cannabis for Blood Donations in South Beloit**
Residents of South Beloit, Illinois, are rolling up their sleeves and rolling their joints, thanks to an innovative—and definitely not FDA-approved—community outreach program: “Blood for Bud!” In a daring attempt to both boost local blood reserves and puff up morale, South Beloit dispensaries have teamed up with regional blood banks to offer cannabis in exchange for precious bodily fluids. Because nothing says “community spirit” quite like trading your platelets for a pre-roll.
“We were inspired by those ‘Blood for Beer’ drives,” said local dispensary manager, Skyler Winkman, while carefully weighing a baggie of suspiciously leafy ‘incentives.’ “But let’s be honest: over here, ‘Bud’ is our bread and butter. Why not combine two highs: saving lives, and getting legally high?”
To qualify, donors must be at least 21, look chill AF in the waiting room, and pass a not-so-rigorous “vibe check.” All participants receive their choice of cannabis product, as long as they “promise not to light up in the parking lot or halfway through the actual transfusion.”
The campaign has seen an impressive turnout. Medical professionals report a never-before-seen surge in blood types “THC positive.” Meanwhile, snack vending machines in local clinics are experiencing shortages described as both “historic” and “hilarious.”
There are, of course, kinks to work out. Doctors warn that laughing at your own blood pressure reading may affect the quality of the results, and the term “high blood count” has taken on new meaning. But city officials remain optimistic.
“Who knew the key to public health was a little grass?” said Mayor Bob “Stoney” Stevenson, holding up both a blood bag and a blunt during the press conference. “Don’t ask what your community can do for you—ask what you can doobie for your community!”
By: TheJestPress.com
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