#EpsteinFiles #SealedForAges #JusticeIsBlindfolded #NothingToSeeHere #TotallyNotSuspicious
**By: TheJestPress.com**
In a move that surprised exactly zero people and made tinfoil hat sales skyrocket, a US judge on Wednesday officially rejected a bid to unseal grand jury transcripts from Florida’s infamous Epstein probe. Citing reasons unknown, unfamiliar, and apparently unknowable, the judge assured the public that “everything totally checked out” and that there was “absolutely nothing of interest” in those pages, wink.
Concerned citizens, investigative journalists, and conspiracy theorists (who are now preparing for marathon Reddit sessions fueled by energy drinks and righteous indignation) had hoped the documents would shed new light on, well, just about anything related to one of modern history’s murkiest sagas. But the court reminded everyone: “These transcripts are as sealed as a billionaire’s flight logs.”
Legal experts were quick to clarify that grand jury records are traditionally kept secret to “protect the integrity of the process” or at least to “heavily inconvenience the general public.” One source added, “If we started unsealing transcripts every time someone became suspicious, we’d all be drowning in paperwork and disappointed memes.”
Eyewitnesses reported seeing lawyers leaving the courthouse carrying volumes stamped “TOP SECRET, TRUST US,” while humming “Nothing to see here, move along.”
Meanwhile, Ghislaine Maxwell allegedly demanded her own private screening of the transcripts but was told she’d have to settle for Netflix’s crime documentaries, just like everyone else.
As for the judge, sources say he will be taking a brief vacation to an undisclosed island, which maps only show as “Area 51-And-A-Half.” Definitely a coincidence.
The public is now encouraged to await justice, transparency, and answers—preferably on an empty stomach, as those things notoriously take a while to digest.
By: TheJestPress.com
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