#LuckiestManAlive #LotteryWinner #DeathDefier #SatireNews #FortunateFool
By: TheJestPress.com
**Man Wins $1 Million Lottery After Escaping Death Seven Times, Death Reschedules Appointment**
In this week’s edition of “Not This Guy Again,” local man Frank Fowler, 47, has managed to win a $1 million lottery jackpot mere days after cheating death for the seventh time. Fowler’s brushes with the Grim Reaper include surviving a train derailment, narrowly escaping a perilous plane explosion, enduring multiple car crashes, and, just last Tuesday, being yeeted across Main Street by an unusually vengeful city bus.
“Honestly, at this point I feel like I should be collecting frequent flyer miles from the afterlife,” Fowler commented, while examining his wining ticket and a still-bleeding scratch from his most recent accident. “I was planning to enter the lottery as a joke, but apparently Fate likes slapstick comedy.”
Eyewitnesses report that Fowler’s ability to sidestep mortal peril borders on the suspicious. “I saw the bus hit him square on,” said one bystander, “but Frank just got up, dusted himself off, and asked if the bus driver had seen his lucky quarter.”
Lottery officials, after confirming the ticket was indeed authentic, requested Fowler undergo a brief X-ray to confirm he was not, in fact, made entirely of horseshoes, four-leaf clovers, and bubble wrap. His doctor, meanwhile, has submitted an application for Fowler to be studied by top scientists as “the world’s first confirmed Looney Tunes character.”
When asked about his future plans, Fowler nodded thoughtfully. “I’ll pay off my medical bills, invest in body armor, and maybe buy a nice bunker. But honestly, given my track record, the money will probably save itself from me.”
In unrelated news, the Grim Reaper was seen updating his Google Calendar and muttering, “Maybe next Powerball.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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