#DIYGoneWrong #ManhattanMayhem #ExplosivePersonality #BridgesBeware #NotByTheBook
By: TheJestPress.com
**Brooklyn, NY**—In what authorities have generously dubbed “a new kind of bridge and tunnel enthusiast,” local man Clark Z. Fiddleson was indicted Tuesday for allegedly constructing improvised explosive devices and artistically distributing them across the Williamsburg Bridge and several Manhattan rooftops. Sources say his motto was, “If you can’t hang your art in a gallery, hang it somewhere with city views.”
According to investigators, Fiddleson, 34, was inspired after watching 40 hours of cable news, three reality crime shows, and one YouTube tutorial entitled “5 Surprising Uses for Old Alarm Clocks.” Courthouse documents note his cell included instructions scribbled under “Project: Urban Renewal.”
“I thought about taking up knitting,” Fiddleson explained before being led away in handcuffs. “But my attention span is more… uh, combustible.” Friends report that Fiddleson’s hobbies have always trended toward the ‘explosive,’ citing a notorious New Year’s Eve when he made ‘firework soup’ and set off every car alarm on the block.
The NYPD responded swiftly to the bridgeside bombs, using the rarely-unplugged NYU engineering major as a bomb-sniffing device. Police Commissioner Ed Cuff declared, “We take any threat to Williamsburg Bridge very seriously, especially ones not funded by rising rent prices.”
When asked how he managed to sneak suspicious objects onto Manhattan’s notoriously secure rooftops, Fiddleson replied, “Rooftop yoga. Nobody questions yoga.”
In a prepared statement, the District Attorney’s office reminded New Yorkers that assembling IEDs is “not a recognized form of creative expression” and that the only thing you should be blowing up in Manhattan is your checking account to pay for brunch.
Experts suggest Fiddleson faces substantial jail time, more than enough to learn an actual, state-approved hobby—like crocheting license plates or filing dubious lawsuits.
At press time, Fiddleson’s defense team reportedly entered a plea of “guilty, but misunderstood performance artist.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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