#BreakingNews #ParentingProblems #SatireNews #AbsurdAcademia #DoctorWho
By: TheJestPress.com
In a move that many are calling “bold,” “groundbreaking,” and “possibly the result of an untreated fever,” the East Side Unified School District announced on Monday that doctor’s notes will NO LONGER be accepted to excuse student absences. That’s right, Timmy. Your bout with the common cold is officially unrecognized by the academic authorities.
“We’ve all heard of ‘fake news,’ but we’re dealing with ‘fake flus’ around here,” said district spokesperson Linda Truant (ironically). “Beginning immediately, the only acceptable reason for absence is either direct abduction by extraterrestrials—or participation in the national spelling bee finals.”
Local pediatricians, long-time suppliers of the sacred notes, have been seen wandering the streets, clutching stethoscopes, muttering, “But…my handwriting was so illegible.”
Parents, predictably, have strong feelings. “If kids need to be on their death beds to stay home, at least I don’t have to find a parking spot at the doctor’s office anymore,” said Fran Smith, mother of three and survivor of Carpool Wars.
The new policy lists alternative ways for students to justify absences, including providing a signed affidavit from a family goldfish, staged interpretive dance routines depicting their symptoms, and the ever-reliable “my dog ate my immune system.” Naturally, absolutely NO excuses involving actual medical professionals will be considered.
School officials claim this will “encourage responsibility, resilience, and exceptional attendance trophies.” When asked what happens if a student actually vomits in class, the official replied, “As long as it’s onto their homework, it counts as an extra credit biology project.”
Meanwhile, doctors across the county have started a new side hustle: coaching kids on how to cough quietly without getting noticed. Medical science, it seems, has finally met its match—in school attendance policy.
By: TheJestPress.com
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