#ContraceptionInferno #BonfireOfTheBirthControls #GlobalAid #FranceOnFire #Satire
By: TheJestPress.com
In a move that has truly put the “flame” in reproductive infamy, French authorities have reportedly agreed to incinerate thousands of tons of US-funded contraceptives originally intended for distribution in impoverished countries. According to reliable sources, the U.S. decided the best way to help the world’s most vulnerable populations was to ship them modern birth control, but someone in Paris apparently mistook birth control pills for the starting pistol at the world’s weirdest gender reveal party.
When asked why France was chosen for the big burn, an unnamed U.S. official explained, “Honestly, we figured if anyone knew how to destroy a perfectly reasonable idea in a fiery spectacle, it would be the French.” French officials have remained characteristically coy. One bureaucrat, speaking anonymously, mused, “We’re simply following our proud tradition of lighting things on fire: barricades, national monuments, and, naturellement, the hopes for global reproductive freedom.”
Protestors have gathered outside the incineration facility, brandishing signs like “Bonfire of the Ovaries” and “Make Love, Not Ashes.” Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists believe the plume of smoke will float eastward and accidentally instill a brief sense of responsibility in British politicians.
A US State Department representative attempted to clarify the situation: “Frankly, our aid packaging was unclear. Who knew labeling a crate ‘For Prevention Purposes Only’ would be misinterpreted in France as a fire safety measure?”
As the clouds of prophylactic-laced smoke rise over France, at least one American official was reportedly heard muttering, “At least this time, we didn’t try to smuggle something explosive.”
Meanwhile, children in affected countries are reported to have started betting on whether next year’s aid shipment will be soap, mosquito nets, or just a large, confusing pile of American DVDs.
Stay tuned for updates—and don’t inhale.
By: TheJestPress.com
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