#Satire #Ukraine #Zelensky #Corruption #Politics
By: TheJestPress.com
Kyiv, Ukraine — Amid a wave of protests over his government’s new “anti-corruption” law, President Volodymyr Zelensky has promised to introduce a brand-new bill to address citizens’ concerns—by making corruption officially illegal… again.
Speaking from behind several very thick, totally unnecessary gold-plated podiums yesterday, Zelensky admitted that his administration’s last attempt to combat corruption “may have actually increased confusion, stress, and possibly bribe receipts.”
“No one quite knows what we meant,” he explained. “The phrase ‘Corruption is banned, unless it isn’t’ was, in hindsight, too ambiguous. That one’s on me.”
The protests erupted as citizens noticed the anti-corruption law’s loopholes, including Section 6: “Bribes are strictly forbidden, except on Mondays, holidays, or if you really, really need to get your passport faster.” Activists claim this is “slightly too flexible,” and requested clarification on whether “bribery to clarify bribe legality” was permitted.
Zelensky promised a new bill titled the “Absolutely Unmistakable and Totally Uncorrupt Ethical Legislation for Transparency Act,” or AUTOCELTA for short, would finally provide crystal-clear rules.
Key points include:
– All bribes must be fully declared on national television.
– Politicians can only accept “friendship payments” if the envelope is not see-through.
– Honest officials will receive stickers.
“We need trust! We need integrity!” proclaimed Zelensky, ignoring the man behind him stuffing hryvnia notes into his shoe. “From Monday onward, absolutely zero, or at least minimal, corruption!”
Analysts say that if passed, AUTOCELTA might reduce corruption by an estimated 2%, or possibly just legalize new kinds. Protesters remain vigilant, sharpening cardboard signs and practicing the Ukrainian national anthem in G minor—“for extra sadness.”
As for the infamous loopholes, the government reassures: “All loopholes will be carefully closed—unless, of course, temporarily opened.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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