#GreatWildebeestOpening #RutoHerdsTheWay #MaraMigration2025 #PresidentialParade #SatireWildlife
By: TheJestPress.com
In a grand spectacle that attracted both local dignitaries and several very startled antelopes, President William Ruto officially launched the 2025 Wildebeest Migration in Maasai Mara yesterday, ceremoniously cutting a ribbon stretched between two acacia trees while thousands of wildebeests politely waited for the signal to stampede.
The event marks the first time a head of state has formally inaugurated the annual migration, which scientists say has actually operated on wildebeest time, not State House protocol. “From this day forth, no wildebeest shall cross without presidential approval,” announced Ruto, who donned an exclusive ‘Commander-in-Hoof’ leather jacket for the occasion.
Attendees were treated to a dazzling parade, featuring a formation dance by the ‘Synchronized Safari Guides’ and a DJ spinning a remix of ‘Who Let the Gnus Out’. A group of VIP zebras were spotted getting into the groove, causing confusion among junior protocol officers who had only been briefed on “important guests”.
In his keynote address, President Ruto praised the wildebeest for “contributing more to our tourism sector than Parliament has contributed to actual laws” and declared the migration “open for business, grazing, and very dramatic river crossings”. He also pledged to introduce a new ‘Wildebeest Visa’ program, stating, “All wildebeest entering Tanzania must show proof of horns and a sense of direction.”
Wildlife officials admitted logistical issues after a subset of wildebeests mistook the ribbon-cutting for an ‘all-you-can-eat grass buffet’. But as the dust settled and the herd thundered south, guests agreed the migration had never felt so presidential.
In unrelated news, hippos in the Mara are reportedly petitioning for their own official launch next year, though no one is willing to cut that ribbon underwater.
By: TheJestPress.com
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