#Satire #RussianLaw #CourtDrama #InternationalSatanists #BreakingNews
By: TheJestPress.com
**Russia’s Top Court Heroically Bans Nonexistent “International Movement of Satanists”**
In a historic legal victory over things that don’t actually exist, Russia’s Supreme Court has officially banned the so-called “International Movement of Satanists.” At press time, the movement had been unaware that it existed, but sources confirm that it appreciated all the attention and promised to update its imaginary mission statement.
“The fight against invisible enemies must continue,” proclaimed Judge Igor Ivanovich as he slammed his gavel down on a pile of blank paper. “If we don’t ban fictitious organizations today, tomorrow we may find ourselves surrounded by angry unicorns demanding voting rights.”
Kremlin officials explained that the outlawed group was responsible for “subversive activities, social unrest, and questionable fashion choices,” though they conceded that, technically, the organization was just a fever dream found on page 666 of someone’s conspiracy notebook. Russian TV analysts quickly praised the court for shutting down what they called “a clear and present hypothetical danger.”
Law enforcement is now on high alert, on the lookout for people wearing all black, listening to heavy metal, or suspiciously not existing. “We believe members communicate via telepathy, Ouija boards, and internet forums no one else can find,” said a spokesperson before retracting the statement for sounding too plausible.
Meanwhile, other notorious imaginary organizations, such as The International League of Leprechauns and the Council of Flat Earth Warlocks, have reportedly beefed up their own nonexistent security details, fearing they might be next.
Human rights groups are split on the issue, with some questioning whether it’s ethical to persecute people who aren’t real, while others supported the decision, insisting it sets a strong precedent for cracking down on fictional threats everywhere.
More updates as the situation fails to develop.
By: TheJestPress.com
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