#TeslaTrouble #MuskMeltdown #ElectricSlide #CarTrouble #AutoSatire
By: TheJestPress.com
**Tesla Sales Tank Worst in a Decade, Elon Musk Seen Pricing Out Used Hoverboards**
In what experts are hailing as “absolutely crucial news for people whose personality is 90% owning a Tesla,” the company’s sales have fallen harder than an autopilot on an icy Minnesota road. Tesla’s latest quarterly report reveals their worst sales drop in a decade, causing investors, influencers, and at least three people who wear sunglasses indoors to panic simultaneously.
Sources suggest that CEO and noted Twitter cosplayer Elon Musk was last seen in a corner office, frantically scribbling “Robotaxis coming any day now!” on a whiteboard while interns distracted Wall Street analysts with free Dogecoin keychains. Meanwhile, Tesla’s PR team has reassured the public that the sales drop is just “part of our long-term plan to disrupt the car market by selling fewer cars.”
Industry analysts are pointing to several possible reasons for the slump. These include rising competition from companies that know how to put their door handles on the outside of the car, ongoing confusion about whether Cybertruck panels are actually edible, and a new Tesla update that replaced all car sounds with Musk’s standup routine.
Perhaps most worrying for shareholders: Surveys show that a growing number of former Tesla drivers are trading in their vehicles. Their reason? “It’s gotten hard to defend my Model Y when everyone at the grocery store keeps asking if it can make toast,” lamented one ex-owner.
Elon Musk, however, remains bullish. In a press conference conducted on his personal Starlink satellite, he promised, “The best is yet to come. By 2050, every human being will own at least one Tesla, and probably a flamethrower too.” Only time—and a few million Twitter polls—will tell.
In the meantime, Tesla fans are encouraged to just stare at their car’s giant center touchscreen and hope it doesn’t start spontaneously playing X Æ A-12’s mixtape.
By: TheJestPress.com
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