#DecliningBirthrate #TooTiredForKids #CDCStats #BabyBust #ThisIsFine
By: TheJestPress.com
**US Fertility Rate Reaches All-Time Low; Millennials Blame Avocado Toast, Gen Z Blames Climate Anxiety, Boomers Just Glad It’s Not Their Problem**
In shocking-but-not-shocking news, the CDC announced today that the US fertility rate has plummeted to a record-breaking low, with 2024 seeing fewer babies born than the number of times your uncle has sent you conspiracy theory memes.
When asked for comment, a CDC spokesperson simply shrugged and muttered, “Guess we should’ve offered free puppies with every birth.” Meanwhile, sociologists are scrambling to explain why Americans now seem less interested in reproducing than in reading the terms and conditions on their smartphone updates.
Many point to rising costs of living as a factor. One Millennial parent explained, “We did budget for a child, but after accounting for rent, health insurance, and the occasional treat-yourself burrito, we could only afford a cactus.” An expectant Gen Z couple sighed, “Every time we consider having children, a new climate report drops and we go back to doom-scrolling instead.”
Not everyone is taking the trend seriously. Congress announced the “Baby Stimulus Plan,” offering tax credits for parents who can produce proof of a 2 a.m. diaper change. Walmart has already started selling “DIY Baby Kits”—just add water and hope for the best.
Social media is awash with creative solutions. Influencers are launching Reproduction Challenges on TikTok, with hashtags like #ProcreateToDominate and #BunsInOvens2024, though the only thing trending so far is a tutorial for crocheted birth control cozies.
At press time, nurseries across America reported an alarming shortage—not of babies, but of parents willing to trade eight hours of sleep for the joy of stepping on Legos at 3 a.m.
America’s birthrate may be down, but one thing is for sure: people’s passion for making excuses is higher than ever.
By: TheJestPress.com
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