#AsteroidDrama #NotTheMoon #EarthSighsInRelief #LunarInsurance #SpaceNews
By: TheJestPress.com
**Asteroid Declines Earthly Destruction, Moon Braces for Unscheduled “Facial”**
In what experts are calling “the greatest miss since your dad tried to fry an egg without a spatula,” NASA reports that the much-hyped asteroid 2024-BYEBYE, previously expected to threaten Earth, will now swerve past our planet and may instead crash headlong into the Moon. Earthlings everywhere are breathing a collective sigh of relief, while Moon denizens (currently 0 and counting) prepare for a massive influx of tourist debris.
“We’re thrilled to announce the asteroid has ghosted Earth,” said Dr. Linda Loomis, NASA spokesperson. “Unfortunately, it’s now texting the Moon with some very threatening messages.”
The news has sent ripple effects through the world’s astronomer community, prompting heated debates about whether the Moon’s health insurance premiums will skyrocket and if the tides will, in fact, become sassier. Popular conspiracy theorists have shifted gears, sensing a new opportunity: “This is clearly a plot to wipe out the secret moon bases where Elvis and Bigfoot play poker,” declared one Twitter user.
Meanwhile, Earth has started practicing its humble face and is pretending not to notice its neighbor’s impending blemish. “Oh, was that your only face? Sorry, didn’t see it there,” said humanity, scrolling idly through asteroid memes and lunar crater make-up tutorials.
NASA assures the public there is no immediate danger to life on Earth, except for the emotional trauma suffered by werewolves, who have announced a class-action lawsuit for “loss of lunar luster.”
Scientists promise a live stream of the event, complete with dramatic sound effects and overly enthusiastic space commentators. “It’s not every day you get to watch planetary dodgeball,” Loomis said. “Bring popcorn. And maybe a telescope.”
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