#TourdeFrance #CyclingNews #CattleCrisis #UdderlyRidiculous #BovineBlockade
By: TheJestPress.com
Tour de France organizers today announced an urgent, udderly unprecedented change to this year’s legendary cycling route after a massive outbreak of cattle dermatitis left swathes of French countryside looking more like a veterinary waiting room than the world’s premier biking stage.
Stage 13, originally slated to pass through the rolling hills of Burgundy, has been hastily rerouted after hundreds of cows reportedly lined the roads hoping for autographs—before revealing their spotty, rash-laden hides. The scene forced race officials and riders alike to reconsider their proximity to what is being called “the itchiest bi-ovine event in Tour history.”
“We’d planned for potential protests, but not for polka-dotted cows staging a sit-in,” lamented Tour Director Pierre Vélo. “Our medical team specializes in road rash, not cow rash.”
Local farmers expressed their dismay but saw a silver lining. “Usually, our cows just watch the cyclists go by, but now they’re part of the show,” said Emile Dubois, whose herd of 52 is currently undergoing spa treatments and mud masks. “And frankly, the cows look better in spots than the polka dot jersey.”
The new route will avoid all “high-risk moo zones” and instead loop three times around a Carrefour parking lot while still offering riders a “uniquely French experience”—navigating stray baguettes, honking smart cars, and an angry supermarket manager demanding everyone purchase at least one wheel of Camembert.
Cyclists offered mixed reactions. “It’s disappointing,” said defending champion Jonas Vingegaard. “I train all year for grueling mountain ascents, not shopping cart dodging. But at least there are fewer cow pies.”
The cows remain in quarantine, hopefully recovering in time for their annual Bastille Day stampede. Organizers urge fans to wash their hands, avoid petting livestock, and remind everyone that the only contagious thing cyclists want is the competitive spirit.
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment