#Satire #JusticeLeague #OddAlliances #CrimeBuddies #JestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
**34X Felon and Adjudicated Rapist Reaches Out to Convicted Child Sex Trafficker to Vouch for Him**
In a touching display of brotherhood, notorious 34-time felon and officially certified rapscallion, Vince “Vouchmaster” Malone, has reportedly reached out to newly convicted child sex trafficker Lester “Dasher” Dashbow, offering to write a “character reference letter” on his behalf.
Court documents reveal Malone’s glowing review, penned in crayon on the inside of a ramen noodle box, describes Dashbow as “an upstanding cellmate who always shares his pudding, except that one time, which totally wasn’t his fault.” Malone added, “No one stacks stolen cable boxes higher or faster than Lester. Truly an organizational genius — as long as the stuff being organized isn’t, y’know, legal.”
Legal experts say that Malone’s heartfelt (if heavily redacted) endorsement may still sway absolutely nobody. “This is the kind of reference you hang up in the cellblock bathroom as a cautionary tale,” snickered defense attorney Linda Larcenio. “Frankly, I haven’t read praise this faint since my mom reviewed my improv troupe.”
For his part, Dashbow reportedly welcomed the support. “A lot of people say it’s all about who you know,” he squeaked over a contraband phone. “Well, now I know Vince…and now so does the parole board. Fingers crossed!”
Reaction from the public was swift and largely comprised of head-shaking. “In my day, criminals at least *pretended* to have standards,” shrieked one online commenter, adding sixteen skull emojis. Meanwhile, the American Association of Parole Boards issued an official statement: “Thank you for this new addition to our ‘What Not To Submit’ training slideshow.”
At press time, Malone was said to be considering launching a boutique criminal PR service, specializing in endorsements like “Definitely Not the Worst,” and references from people who swore “he mostly just minded his own business, except for the—well, you know.”
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment