#InfectedBlood #CompensationCelebration #SatireNews #HealthScandal #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
In a stunning display of belated generosity, UK officials announced this week that “significantly more” infected blood victims will finally receive compensation, after only a few decades and the occasional strongly worded newspaper headline.
Government spokespeople, gathering in a room still faintly scented with denial, bravely declared, “We’re proud to offer slightly less insufficient recompense to even more people whose medical misfortunes we definitely didn’t contribute to.” When pressed for numbers, officials assured citizens that compensation checks would be written using not just one but TWO zeroes, possibly even three for the really unlucky recipients.
Victims responded with cautious optimism. “Initially, I received a crisp ‘thoughts and prayers’ card as compensation. Now, with the promise of actual money, I may finally afford a second-hand hazmat suit,” said one survivor, clutching a commemorative mug labeled “Oops – Our Bad.”
In related news, the Department for Historical Fiascos (DHF) unveiled a complementary “Apology Hamper,” featuring fruitcake with a sterile bandage bow and coupons for discounted NHS parking. “We believe a fruitcake says, ‘This might not be what you wanted, but it’s the most we can do without another inquiry,’” explained one official.
Critics have called the compensation process “arduous,” “baffling,” and “as effective as a colander in a blood bank.” Government insiders, however, remain positive. “Better late than never,” they explained, while simultaneously working on new policies to ensure future scandals are at least moderately less scandalous.
Meanwhile, blood banks have switched to a strict “no surprise extras” policy, following lessons learned from the past. “Our new motto is: Just Red Stuff, Promise,” said their spokesperson.
Stay tuned for further updates, possibly arriving in thirty years.
By: TheJestPress.com
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