#ImmigrantHealth #SatireNews #PublicHealthHumor #PandemicFunnies #EqualOpportunityGerms
**By: TheJestPress.com**
*Study Finds COVID-19 Virus Completely Ignorant of Immigration Status, Politicians Impressed*
A shocking new study out of California has revealed that, during the COVID-19 pandemic, immigrants—especially those possibly undocumented—experienced much higher rates of what scientists call “relative excess mortality” (which is fancy lab-speak for “way too many people dying because of avoidable reasons”).
When informed of the findings, the coronavirus itself reportedly issued the following statement: “I honestly don’t carry a green card scanner. I was just trying to party with everyone, no discrimination intended.”
Local officials reacted quickly by forming a Task Force to Write Very Strongly Worded Letters, further protecting the populace from assistance. “Let’s be clear, COVID-19 exploited vulnerabilities in our immune systems, not our passport stamps,” said one spokesperson, while feverishly Googling the definition of “undocumented.”
Meanwhile, hospitals recalled their own pandemic confusion: “We tried asking patients, ‘On a scale of one to illegal, how sick are you?’ but the virus just coughed and kept spreading,” said a weary nurse. “Next time, maybe we can check immigration status with a nasal swab, just for efficiency.”
Experts suggest that higher COVID death rates among certain immigrants may have had something to do with lack of health insurance, crowded housing, and jobs that require constant interaction with the ‘general public’ (that group of friendly vectors). “It was either die of COVID or die of unemployment,” recalled one courageous essential worker, “so naturally, we flipped a coin. Spoiler: the coin was also contagious.”
California state lawmakers are now considering new public health measures like distributing vaccines via mail-in ballots and providing every resident with a free mask and copy of ‘Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story’ for inspiration.
In related news, viruses everywhere are reportedly petitioning for more inclusive health care options, since in the end, death really is the only thing that doesn’t check your immigration status.
**By: TheJestPress.com**
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