#DatingAppFail #PrivacyNotFound #WomenOnline #4chanChaos #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
In an absolutely shocking turn of events that surprised exactly zero internet users, a newly launched women’s dating safety app, “SafeBouquet,” has allegedly fulfilled its wildest nightmare: having all user IDs posted directly to 4chan within 48 hours of launch.
“Empowering women to take control of their dating lives was our mission,” said SafeBouquet’s shell-shocked founder, Miranda Softshell, who nervously re-read the words “no refunds” in the app store policies. “We implemented our state-of-the-art ‘Password123’ encryption protocol and thought everything would be super secure.” She then paused to Google what ‘encryption’ actually means.
Users were promised anonymity, a badge system to alert dates when someone ‘feels creeped out,’ and a revolutionary “Invisible Mode” feature (now widely understood to really mean “invisible to everyone except hackers”). However, instead of slaying the dragons of online predation, SafeBouquet appears to have handed them a map, a key, and a personalized invitation.
4chan users, ever-vigilant defenders of privacy and decorum, naturally responded by doing what they do best: demanding pizza deliveries to random addresses claiming to be “future Mrs. 4Chan.” Oddly, at press time, one user from 4chan had already started dating himself after being matched with his own alternate account. “It’s going great!” he declared in a post, “But she keeps ghosting me. Am I the drama?”
Experts now suggest that if you don’t want your personal details leaked online, your best bet is to avoid creating internet accounts, having a name, or leaving your cave in the first place.
Meanwhile, SafeBouquet’s dev team promises the next update will include “at least double the encryption” and “no more funny business, okay?” In the meantime, tech-savvy daters are advised to return to the traditional safety standby: faking a call from your mom.
By: TheJestPress.com
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