#Satire #ScienceNews #BirthControl #MoodSwings #Depression
By: TheJestPress.com
**Extended Birth Control Use Accidentally Eliminates 87% of Sadness, Maybe All of Men, Study Finds**
In a shocking revelation that has shaken the cardigan-wearing, cat-collecting, and highly caffeinated world of academic research, a groundbreaking study now confirms what sassy Twitter threads have been suggesting for years: people who’ve stayed loyal to their birth control pills longer report way fewer depressive symptoms—especially if they don’t also have diabetes, own a crystal collection, or say “grand rising” instead of good morning.
The study, conducted over three decades and involving 52,000 women, allegedly “tracked moods, vibes, and number of unread therapy appointment emails,” according to lead scientist Dr. Rita Blisterine. “We expected the pill might affect moods, but we didn’t realize it was basically Prozac with a PhD and a backup career in reproductive endocrinology.”
Investigators can’t explain exactly *why* this happens. Critics argue this could be because birth control users are simply too busy remembering to take their pills every day to experience a depressive episode. “Anyone who can maintain the schedule, refill their prescription, and occasionally Google ‘what happens if you skip a pill’ just doesn’t have time to be sad,” commented Dr. Gloom, spokesperson for the International Association of Unexplained Moods.
In related news, pharmaceutical companies are working overtime to develop *Birth Controllier*, a Bluetooth-enabled smart pill pack that automatically alerts women of incoming boyfriends, period cramps, and impromptu existential crises.
Experts caution not everyone should start popping pills to chase away the blues. The study also noted women with diabetes saw no decrease in sad vibes, possibly because their sadness is directly proportional to the price of insulin rather than anything in their uterus.
Either way, with these new findings, the phrase “happily ever after” may soon be clinically indicated.
By: TheJestPress.com
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