#CryptoWisdom #CuttingEdgeFinance #BreakingNooze #SatireNews #BitcoinLogic
By: TheJestPress.com
In a groundbreaking report that has shaken the very foundation of 14-year-old day traders everywhere, Citi analysts revealed Monday that Bitcoin’s price will increase if people buy more of it and, conversely, won’t if they don’t.
Described by insiders as “the economic revelation of the millennium,” the 57-page report deploys advanced analytics such as ‘supply and demand’ and “common sense” to reach its earth-shattering conclusion. “Frankly, we’re amazed nobody thought to say this out loud before,” said Dr. Penny Stox, who led Citi’s Bitcoin Prognostications Division (aka the office with all the lava lamps).
“We looked at all the data,” said Stox, clutching a mug that read ‘I ❤ Liquidity.’ “Whenever lots of people bought Bitcoin, the price went up. When they didn’t, it didn’t go up. Sometimes, it went down. It’s wild.”
The report has already rattled Wall Street to its core. Hedge funds are reportedly convening emergency meetings to grapple with the news, while cryptocurrency influencers are scrambling to edit their TikToks to include hot takes like, “Buy to make up-go.”
Retail investors took to Reddit to share their shock. “Wait, so you’re saying if we all buy the thing, the thing goes up?!? Bruh,” wrote user SatoshiButNotReally, who then mortgaged his neighbor’s cat to buy more Bitcoin.
Meanwhile, the US Treasury has launched an inquiry into whether other assets, such as beanie babies and tulips, might also display this baffling property.
Citi plans to follow up with an equally insightful investigation into whether breathing air might actually affect your ability to live.
Financial tip: If you want your portfolio to go up, consider buying stuff and then hoping other people do too. But remember, per Citi: if you don’t, it probably won’t.
By: TheJestPress.com
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