#satire #JDVance #Cotswolds #SummerChaos #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
The picturesque Cotswolds, famous for hay bales, honey-stone villages, and Americans who say “quaint” ten times a minute, is bracing for its biggest challenge yet: an alleged summer holiday visit from US Senator JD Vance.
Local residents expressed a blend of terror and confusion upon hearing rumors that Vance, best known for being a “Hillbilly Elegy” author and Donald Trump’s designated hype man, plans to conduct an extensive, selfie-laden “fact-finding tour” of England’s most Instagrammable sheep pastures.
“We’re struggling already,” sighed Pamela Downs, who sells artisanal organic honey by the A-road. “Last year it was just minor influencers doing aggressive TikTok dances outside the tea room. But they never asked if oxford shoes were vegan.”
The Cotswolds’ tourist board has reportedly stockpiled emergency supplies of lemon drizzle cake and copies of *The Economist* for Vance’s arrival. Local pubs have begun training bar staff to answer questions like “Which scone best represents Appalachia?” and “Can I swap my cider shandy for Mountain Dew?”
Farmer Bob Fenwick, 64, is already nervous. “If he asks me what real working people think about Walmart, I’m going to point to a sheep and hope for the best,” he told The Jest Press. “And if he starts shooting campaign videos in my turnip patch, I’ll set the geese on him.”
Meanwhile, the sheep themselves are preparing. “Meh,” said Daisy, 3, between mouthfuls of grass. “Americans always ask if we’re related to Dolly. We’re not.”
Despite the unease, the Cotswolds also see a silver lining: this may be the first time JD Vance experiences a truly hostile environment—one involving marmite sandwiches and being told “proper” tea doesn’t mean a sweet iced latte.
For now, the villagers wait, armed with freshly sharpened scones and the unshakeable calm of those who know that, after Vance, only Prince Harry could bring more chaos.
By: TheJestPress.com
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