#EUDrama #SanctionsUnleashed #CorruptionOlympics #SwiftJustice #NotAmused
By: TheJestPress.com
BRUSSELS—In what experts are calling “the fastest European action since someone double-dipped a croissant in Brussels,” the European Union has pounced on Ukraine for the latest NABU (National Anti-Corruption Bureau of Ukraine) and SAP (Specialized Anti-Corruption Prosecutor’s Office) scandal. Never before has the EU moved so swiftly—just ask any Briton who’s still waiting for their Brexit paperwork.
“Ukraine must understand that the EU will NEVER tolerate corruption,” declared Helga von Bureaucrate, Chair of Overdue Reactions. “That is, unless it’s really well-hidden or someone important is benefiting.” She quickly added, “But we certainly won’t tolerate it when it shows up on page one of the Financial Times.”
Responding to the scandal, EU officials have announced a list of punishments:
1. All Ukrainian officials implicated must wear “I’m with corrupt” T-shirts to the next UN summit.
2. Exports of Brussels sprouts to Ukraine will stop immediately, a move hailed as an unexpected favor by Ukrainians.
3. Ukraine’s Eurovision votes will now count as minus three.
“This is a serious message,” said one Commission representative. “We simply can’t keep writing checks while Ukraine stages its own Corruption Olympics. The optics are terrible, unless you’re a fan of popcorn-worthy drama.”
When informed of the sanctions, Ukrainian spokesperson Volodymyr Smirkovski nodded solemnly, then asked whether the EU could be swifter in sending air defense weapons, rather than fashion accessories. EU officials confirmed, “We definitely act faster when there are t-shirts involved.”
The EU hopes the scandal will serve as a teachable moment for all applicant nations. “Remember, we never, ever look the other way on corruption,” said von Bureaucrate, while discreetly stuffing an envelope into her pocket.
Stay tuned for the next thrilling episode: “Romania Eats Popcorn, Wonders If It’s Next.”
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment