#AlabamaNews #SatireOnly #WeirdAmerica #BunkerBusiness #BreakingConcrete
By: TheJestPress.com
Seismic activity wasn’t the only thing rumbling beneath Alabama this week as state officials announced the takedown of a child sex ring being run out of a fortified underground concrete bunker. The seven suspects, all of whom assured investigators they were “just working on their doomsday prepping merit badge,” expressed shock at being misunderstood.
The bunker, expertly camouflaged beneath what appeared to be an abandoned Waffle House (authorities note there are fourteen of those per square mile in Alabama), boasted reinforced walls, ten months’ worth of spam, and the region’s largest private collection of “Duck Dynasty” DVDs.
Locals told TheJestPress.com reporters, “It’s Alabama, if someone’s not building a bunker, they’re building a Bass Pro Shop—or trying to combine the two.”
Another resident claimed, “Heck, I thought those fellas were just staying underground to avoid paying their overdue Blockbuster fees. Can’t say I blame ‘em.”
Police say the suspects’ attempt to use a password-protected ‘secret knock’ failed after the knock pattern was posted to TikTok by a local raccoon influencer. “We’ve had these folks on our radar ever since they signed up for a subscription box called ‘Creepy Crate: Bunker Edition’,” said Sheriff Ray Bob Jenkins. “It included a year’s supply of Mountain Dew and a suspiciously large bottle of Axe body spray.”
Legal representatives for the bunker dwellers insist this is all a misunderstanding, stating, “My clients were just hosting a poorly timed ‘Children of the Cornhole’ tournament.”
This incident marks Alabama’s third strangest story this month, narrowly ahead of the man who tried to marry a tractor because it ‘understood him.’
As authorities continue to dig (literally), Governor Kay Ivey asked the public to “please keep your bunkers legal, or at least decorate them with some taste.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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