#Satire #CaliforniaMan #PokemonHeist #GottaCatchEmAll #CrimeNews
By: TheJestPress.com
In what Fairfax County authorities are calling the “least threatening armed robbery by a grown adult since that Monopoly money incident of 2017,” a California man was taken into custody Tuesday after reportedly robbing a woman at gunpoint and — adding insult to injury — also swiping her precious collection of shiny Pokémon cards.
According to witnesses at the Tysons shopping center garage, the suspect demanded the victim’s wallet before spying a holographic Charizard, reportedly shrieking, “IS THAT FIRST EDITION?” Police say the man temporarily dropped his weapon to examine the card’s condition, giving the victim a fleeting hope of escape, before he resumed his crime spree with “renewed Pikachu energy.”
Eyewitness Bart Kingsley recounted, “Honestly, when he ran past me yelling ‘Gotta Catch ‘Em All!’ with a binder full of trading cards, I thought it was just cosplay gone wrong. Didn’t expect to see a PSA-10 rating on the local crime scanner today.”
Security footage shows the man “possibly from California, definitely not from the Kanto Region,” dramatically fleeing the garage with the cards clutched to his chest while humming the Pokémon theme song. Authorities briefly considered releasing an Officer Jenny to the scene, but soon realized that was just another officer’s dog dressed as a Rapidash.
Experts from the National Bureau of Stunned Collectors (NBoSC) have since issued warnings to all cardholders: “Keep your prized cards at home or invest in a Squirtle-shell safe. You never know who’s desperate for a booster pack these days.”
As of press time, it remains unclear if the suspect will be charged with grand theft Pokémon or simply forced to sit through a marathon of Detective Pikachu as punishment. The cards’ value, estimated anywhere between $7 and a down payment on a Tesla, is still under review.
By: TheJestPress.com
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