#Satire #FEMA #Immigration #DystopianUSA #JustKidding
By: TheJestPress.com
**FEMA Announces Funds to States for Detaining Undocumented Migrants; Local Government Now Accepting Bids for Chain Link Fence Supplies**
In a bold step to secure its position as America’s favorite acronym for lukewarm disaster relief, FEMA has announced fresh funding for states geared specifically toward detaining undocumented migrants. The catch? State governments are now scrambling to remember if FEMA stands for “Federal Emergency Management Agency” or “Fencing Everything, Migrants Also.”
“We’re thrilled to support local law enforcement as they bravely pursue anyone with an accent or an inability to correctly pronounce ‘Worcestershire,’” FEMA spokesperson Lily Loopster said at a hastily constructed press event. Attendees were impressed by her ability to build a podium out of sandbags and old bureaucracy forms.
States are encouraged to develop “innovative detention solutions,” with several proposals already on the table:
– **Florida** plans to use surplus Disney animatronics to guard borders while simultaneously traumatizing detained children with photo ops featuring the haunted Carousel of Progress.
– **Texas** is already constructing the world’s first “Escape Room” themed detention facility, featuring puzzles like “Guess which law applies to you?” and “Find your paperwork before you’re deported!”
– **California** considered a vegan, sustainable holding pen, but decided to just send everyone to Oregon instead.
All proposals must be accompanied by a 20-page report on how the new funding will not accidentally fund fire festival tents, despite FEMA’s historic penchant for plywood mansions and shrink-wrapped sandwiches.
FEMA also clarified certifications are not required for “chain link fence installation experts” or “official sandwich dispersers,” but photo ID is appreciated—preferably something other than a novelty sombrero hat.
Critics have called out the plan. “We wanted natural disaster relief, not the disaster becoming natural!” said one resident, who politely declined to give their name, or accent.
FEMA assures the public this is only the beginning. Rumor has it next year’s funding will go toward a new app: “Find My Migrant.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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