#BreakingNews #ElectionNight #DemocracyInAction #BiasAlert #Satire
By: TheJestPress.com
**Partial Election Results Actually Just Addictive Mystery Novel, Not Evidence of Fraud, Experts Confirm**
America tuned in Tuesday night for its favorite reality show: **Election Results: Who Wins, Who Cried, Who Claims Fraud First?** Yet again, cable news anchors broke into their regular program of shouting over each other to deliver partial results every eleven seconds.
But what most Americans don’t realize (except your uncle Phil, who already called for a full audit after seeing 0.2% of ballots), is that partial results are purposefully incomplete—like the first season of a streaming show designed to leave you both unsatisfied and convinced the producers are hiding something nefarious.
This year, social scientists are warning about something new: **the Cumulative Redundancy Bias**. That’s right—the more times someone hears “these are only partial results,” the more convinced they become that those partial results are part of a government-funded escape room, and the password is “Fraud.”
Dr. Linda Votetally, a PhD in Obviousness at Electoral College University, explains:
*”When you see numbers go up and down, your brain connects imaginary dots and draws a conspiracy. Statistically, it’s the same part of your brain that makes you see faces in toast.”*
According to sources at every pizza parlor on Main Street, these partial numbers are scripture. If their guy is up in the first 7.63% of precincts, the victory is in the bag. If he drops by 0.2% as mail-in ballots roll in, it’s obviously rigged. It makes perfect sense, if your understanding of statistics comes from fortune cookies.
So this November, before you grab the torches and pitchforks, remember: partial results are like peeking at the ending before you finish the book. Yet, thanks to the Cumulative Redundancy Bias, the only real fraud might be your own ability to wait until all the votes are counted.
By: TheJestPress.com
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